Exorcism Charades
by something someone said
Summary: In which Paula comes to the conclusion that Earl Phantomhive is possessed by a demon and enlists the help of a certain detective. Very, very slight Abberline/Paula


Disclaimer: I don't own Kuroshitsuji.

I intended to write this one for Valentine's Day. That didn't work out. Oh well, this seemed like as good a time to post it as ever.

_Charade: Noun. An absurd pretense intended to create a pleasant or respectable appearance._

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><p><em>Exorcism Charades<em>

Paula was convinced. She could see no other way around it and it created a knot in her stomach so tight that she almost mistook it for hunger pains the first one or two times. She felt the urge to pace back and forth like those stage actors do, rubbing their chins while trying to solve difficult and often times dramatic quandaries. But Paula wasn't a stage actor and rubbing her chin would just look silly, even for her.

And so it was that she shifted her weight from one foot to the other, anxious sighs escaping her mouth like pigeons from a belfry.

The veritable source of her chagrin was that Lady Elizabeth's bonnet was on backwards. She'd be the laughing stock of English Society!

"My lady! Let me help you with that!" She promptly corrected the bonnet.

"Ah! Thanks Paula! I thought it looked a little funny. But what do you think of it? I want to wear it to Ciel's party."

"Lord Phantomhive is having a party?" She said in genuine shock that would have been mistaken for sarcasm if it was anyone else, but seeing as it was Paula, all was forgiven.

"No. Nothing like that. But we'll throw him one anyway." The girl said with a determined face that meant she was thinking of something devious, which really wasn't all that devious in comparison to most people she was involved with. "It's just that I've been so busy I haven't been able to plan any of it and on top of that mother is taking me out jousting today." She gave a sad worried look that had no right to be on her cute little face, but usually was there anyway because of the people she was involved with. "He was always smiling before... I just don't know what happened." She was quickly reduced to a state of melancholy that is quite common in prepubescent and teenaged girls.

Nonetheless, it made Paula quite melancholy too. She had to do something. After all, a little voice inside her head told her that her prime objective in life was to stand by Lady Elizabeth and make her happier. Subsequently, Elizabeth also felt that her prime objective in life was to stand by Ciel make him happier, and so on and so forth. It really was like a row of dominos when one thought about it. And since Paula's maternal nature dictated so much of her life she said the first thing that came to mind, "L-let me plan it My Lady!"

"Really? You'll do that?" Her Lady was instantly happier and of course she would be since prepubescent and teenaged girls (and select boys) all have the facility to change their emotions in 0.8 seconds flat.

"Mm hmm. I'll make it the best party ever!" It was not a hyperbole. Paula was very confident that she would make it the best party ever.

"Thank you so much Paula!" The girl hugged her and bounded out of the room. Paula smiled sadly. She'd do anything to make that girl happy.

And anything included looking up the causes and cures for perpetual frowning, which she was sure the Earl of Phantomhive suffered from. Unfortunately, none of the books in the Middleford's library had any of that nonsense. So she looked at a study of moods from a scientific journal, but as it was all very scientific, she didn't understand two words of it. Not to say that Paula was in any way incompetent of understanding it. It is a widely accepted fact that scientific journals have been, since their beginning, very hard to understand and comprehend except by 2% of the population. Just look in a scientific journal today. If you understand any of that crap, then congratulations! You're the 2% of the population who does.

So after many hours of fruitless searching Paula finally took a break and opened one of those magazines that no one believes but still buy because they are amused by the oddities on the front page. She giggled at the wacky mermaids and shrunken heads. She flipped through the health section that claimed that tobacco smoke damaged the lungs and sugar caused cavities. However, her hands stopped as she read the 'letters to the editor' section. Apparently there were sightings of extra-terristerals that looked like ordinary men expect for their strange eyes and futuristic garden equipment. She also caught sight of a letter about a tenant who complained about his landlady. The letter read that his landlady had been at first a very sweet individual but had suddenly turned a sour mood when the rent was not paid in full. The woman had even threatened to evict the tenant, going into fits of rage when the tenant asked for extensions. When the rent was finally paid the woman went back to being her sweet self. The answer the editor gave was that the woman may have been possessed by a demon or that she was a werewolf, if the fits of rage had occurred near the full moon. Paula dropped the parcel in pure shock.

There was no other way around it in her mind: Lord Phantomhive was beset by a demon. And he also probably had quite a lot of cavities.

Of course, that had to be the reason. Demons usually possessed the innocent, didn't they? Paula tried to remember the sermon she had attended last week. Something about demons and hellfire and the devil. She only had the vague memory of falling asleep.

But no matter, once Paula set her mind to something, she would do it. However, she hadn't the faintest idea what to do. She couldn't just order an exorcism. And she couldn't tell Lady Elizabeth about it either. It would break the poor girl's heart knowing her fiancé was currently housing the spawn of Satan. She would have to do it subtly, so her Lady never found out about the possession. She'd need to hire an investigator.

"So let me get this straight," the investigator said slowly, "You think the Earl of Phantomhive is possessed by a demon."

"Yes inspector, I'm sure of it!"

"And you came to your conclusion after reading a satyrical magazine?"

"That's what happened."

"I see."

Paula had searched all around for an inspector. Many had slammed the door straight in her face when she told them her story. This man, Detective Arborday or something, had been the only one who listened to her.

The detective/inspector/police officer sighed. He really didn't want to get into such a case. Not only because it was ludicrous but because accusing the Queen's Guard Dog of demonic possession was probably grounds for treason.

"I really don't know. It seems plausible but..."

"Oh please Mr... what was your name again?"

"Abberline."

"Yes. Mr. A-Ab-Abudabi, I wouldn't come to you if I didn't believe it myself."

The detective face palmed. "I have no doubt that you believe it yourself but as far as it being a criminal case... shouldn't you go to some sort of church for this?"

"I thought about it but I realized that church people make big fusses about everything," her gestures quickly became more pronounced and as a result Abberline lost his focus because this was the part of a woman's conversation where all men tune out. He heard what he thought was the word 'crusade' and another word that he thought was 'bunyans' but probably wasn't, until his focus returned just in time to catch "Why just last week they accused Lady Elizabeth of being a vain harlot. Well, they didn't really accuse her. They just said women who are pretty and wear excessively bright colors are vain harlots," Oops! Too soon. "But I took it as a direct attack on my Lady's character. The nerve of some people! But besides, I would hate for this sort of thing to be out in the open." Ah, that was the part he had been listening for. Abberline straightened himself. "My poor Lady would probably cry about being engaged to the demonically possessed."

Arberline sighed again. "Listen, you do have a point about not making this thing too much of a fuss than it should be, but I really don't think..." Then Aberline received a look that would make even the most misogynistic boy go weak at the knees. Well, maybe in some alternate reality where everyone dresses in space suits it would.

"I'll look into it." He said with a quick nod.

"Thank you so much!" Paula exclaimed, nearly jumping for joy. She almost took out her bells she was so happy.

The next day Abberline was reading up on exorcism, religious rites, divine intervention and baby names for the nineteenth century. The baby was due any day now, but as for the task at hand, it seemed he would need a holy man, but there in brought a whole new problem. He didn't want to make it seem too obvious that Earl Phantomhive was possessed. After all, he cared about the boy, as did Paula, and he was sure no person who cared for the boy would want to see him embarrassed like that. Why, it would almost be the equivalent to decorating his mansion in festive decorations or crying on his shoulder in public while saying he was your best friend in the whole world. Yes, that would be embarrassing for anyone. And certainly, bringing a priest or religious person into the problem would make it too obvious. Abberline didn't want to set off too many warning signs to the already sharp earl, who, by Paula's assumption, was also possessed by a demon.

That night Abberline fell asleep head first in a book about demonic possession. The sane person would have assumed that he would have nightmares about demons and hellfire and awful karaoke. However, he did not. He had a dream where his brother was on a train combating a bad guy and a very bad case of dysentery. When Abberline woke up he found it all very ridiculous because he did not have a brother. He even said so himself. But you know, it was a dream, and dreams are weird like that.

"I've studied up on it and have a very basic idea on demonic possession," he said to Paula the next day. He was in a place that we'll just call a coffee shop because coffee shops seem to be analogous with police work. See the half-eaten pastry on Paula's plate? The steam from the coffee on Abberline's side of the little table? And Abberline's worried expression as he eyes the waitress who he hopes isn't a friend of his wife's because it would be very hard to explain that he was only meeting this woman because she thought the Earl of Phantomhive was possessed by the devil. There, isn't that easy to imagine?

"But what do you intend to do about it?" He asked asked her.

"My Lady is throwing a party for him tomorrow." Paula said cheerily and as a result bounced a little in her seat, which of course sent vibrations to that place where men's eyes are mostly always drawn to when they move. "I thought it would be a good opportunity to exorcize him then."

Abberline considered the jiggly-ness of it- no, the difficulty of it. It all seemed too soon and she'd need a lot of help. "But I thought you didn't want to bring the church into this."

"I don't." She shook her head, resulting in another movement of those swishy things.

"But who will do the ogling- I mean, exorcizing then?"

"The two of us!" She beamed.

Aberline would have spit out his coffee if he were drinking any. Fortunately he wasn't at the moment which unfortunately made it very unlikely that he was in a coffee shop, but we're still going to imagine they're in one anyway. "The two of us? But we're not priests. I don't even know how to go about it."

Paula smiled and held up a finger to emphasize she had the answers to all his questions but in fact would only serve to confuse him more. "I've read quite a lot about it and if we were to procure a few items then it would be like we don't even need a priest."

Abberline grimaced.

"But how will I explain my presence in his house? I don't think I'm invited."

"Just leave that to me." Paula winked.

She busied herself the rest of the day preparing for the party. Lady Elizabeth was out with her mother again. This time they were trying extreme mountain climbing. As it turns out Lady Elizabeth was very good at jousting, so good in fact that she had nearly impaled her instructor the first round. No one really knows how that happened because her target was supposed to be an apple, but oh well, her mother was very proud.

Paula had picked out the decorations and had let the Phantomhive staff know, secretly of course, about the menu. The last step, however, was the most crucial.

The party activity would be charades and the theme of the charades would be stories from the bible. She intended to exorcise the boy while doing multiple religious motions and using various religious props. After all, the best way to cover up something is to leave it in plain sight, if you believe in that sort of thing.

Of course it would all be very blasphemous, but Paula reasoned that the exorcism would cancel it out somehow anyway, so it was all well and good, if you believe in that sort of thing.

Thus Paula found herself in the Phantomhive manor the next day, putting up decorations and instructing the servants on what to serve at what time. Timing was of the utmost importance because some of the foods contained anti-devil ingredients, like garlic. Well they were anti-something ingredients, and Paula would not take her chances if there were other dark beings as well.

It was at that moment that Abberline walked through the door.

"I'm very sorry I'm late. It's really very hard to find this place." Even Abberline, being a detective, had gotten turned around in the woods a few times. As it turned out Finny had planted a large amount of trees in front of the manor to throw off vengeful assailants. The plants had finally grown for a change, and, in his elation, he had given them too much fertilizer, and some other thing, that resulted in trees becoming a forest-like maze. Finny was very proud that the plants had finally grown. His master hadn't even asked him to chop it down on account of everyone getting lost. That was because his master knew that he'd probably kill all the trees one way or another anyway.

"Ah, Mr. Ambulance!" Paula climbed down the ladder where she had been attaching pink streamers to the wall and greeted him. "How nice of you to come. Now if you'd please talk to me in the sitting room, I have some things to discuss."

Contrary to popular belief, the servants really weren't all that nosy, or at least not that day anyway. Not because they didn't like gossip, but because, if it was of any importance, they'd have to deal with it at the end of the day anyway, so there was no use in spoiling the surprise. So it was that Paula and Abberline found themselves completely alone in an area of the Phantomhive Manor, going over their plans. It all sounded very romantic, being alone in a room with no interruptions, but Paula and Abberline kept it very professional. They only got up to use the restroom once and that was just because of all the coffee they had drank beforehand. Probably the coffee from the imaginary coffee shop that totally exists.

"-and then I'll recite the prayer." Paula said. "But do you think it will be enough? I'd hate to think what would happen if we fail."

Abberline considered what would happen if it worked. Assuming Ciel Phantomhive was possessed by a demon, and that their exorcism attempts worked, there was bound to be at least some nasty things flying around the room. Wasn't there usually vomiting involved? He almost shuddered. However, as a man he felt it was his duty to comfort her. He placed his hand on hers and leaned so he was close (but not too close), and said, "I'm sure it'll all go fine." He, thinking of the importance of it, and being the sensible one, gave her one of the most earnest smiles he could muster. She also gave him a smile. It reminded him of a child's smile and he was also reminded of a comedic play for some reason. Weird.

"Oh thank you Mr. Artichoke!" She hugged him. It wasn't a very long hug but all at once Abberline felt the woman's selflessness and joy and those wonderful things on her chest.

"You- you're very welcome Ma'am."

"Oh, please call me Paula."

"Paula..."

They separated and went on to their duties of preparing the final touches for the party. It was all very tedious work, but seeing as television hadn't been invented yet, they didn't have anything better to do anyway.

The sun was just starting to set when the first guests started to arrive.

"Oh thank you Paula," Elizabeth came bounding in the entrance hall, "It looks beautiful."

"Thank you for the compliment, My Lady. How was Mixed Martial Arts?"

"Would you believe I almost impaled the teacher again today?" Her Lady sighed in exasperation. "And there weren't even any spears this time. I don't know how it happened."

Paula smiled. "Your mother must be very proud."

"Yes she is. She says she would like to enter me in the Title Match," Lizzy sighed. "But enough of that. Has Ciel arrived yet?"

"Not yet, My Lady."

Ciel Phantomhive would not arrive until all of the other guests had, who were all of his closest friends. One had to wonder what went through Paula's mind when she invited East Indians and a Chinese couple to a party that showcased Christian-themed party games. But well, as it was Paula all was forgiven.

When Ciel stepped through that door, very exhausted from whatever he had been doing (he had been continuing his quest for revenge and there was currently a derringer in his left breast pocket that needed to be reloaded), his face instantly went from serious to very serious. It was a very slight change but it was there.

"Hello Lizzy." He said, greeting the girl like he had been married to her all his life, and not just bequeathed to like he really was.

"Oh Ciel. I'm so glad you could come."

"Of course. This is my house."

"Oh right. It's been such a long day."

Ciel sighed. "Tell me about it."

And the day (or night rather) would grow longer as the guest sampled the various hors d'oeuvres. However, everyone came to the conclusion that there was way too much garlic in most of the dishes. The only thing that did not have garlic was the rum cake, which, unfortunately, had too much rum. Of course a certain cook had said that there could never be such a thing as too much rum. It was also the first cake that he hadn't burned part of when making. He was very proud of himself.

The party went as expected, which is to say it was all very pleasant.

Paula made it a point to introduce the detective. "Ah, Lord Phantomhive. This is Detective umm..."

"Abberline." The boy looked at him. "We've met before."

"Oh I'm so glad." Paula exclaimed. "He's come for..." In all the hustle and bustle Paula had forgotten what her excuse for Abberline's presence would be. "Well, actually he helped me with the party."

"I see." The boy said, his gaze intense and scrutinizing. "I hope you enjoy your evening Detective."

"Ah, yes. Yes, Ciel I will." He watched the boy walk away.

"The poor thing. The possession won't even let him enjoy his own party." Paula pitied. Abberline wasn't exactly sure if that was how possession worked though he wasn't sold on the whole possession thing in the first place either.

It soon came time for the main event. By that time everyone who disliked garlic and rum was very hungry, which was to say, mostly everyone.

"Now," Paula announced, "I've put together a little game for everyone to play. It's called charades."

"Oh! How fun!" Elizabeth exclaimed. She did love charades.

"We all pick slips of paper from a hat" (the slips of paper were rigged of course) "and you try to guess what or whom we are reenacting. The theme is characters and scenes from the bible." Paula almost apologized for choosing such a theme but then she realized that would be just like saying 'please don't get offended by the very offensive thing I'm about to do,' which was really too much, even for her.

"You're free to do anything you want during the charade, even talk, but please don't say the name of what you're acting." In all her studying of exorcism Paula had not once thought to look up the exact rules of charades. Of course no one called her out on it. In fact, they forgave her instantly.

"Now I'll start."

She pulled a piece of paper from the hat, which of course she had marked with the appropriate name, and started to pray earnestly. She had read that prayer was a powerful way to counteract the devil and it would at least open the way for more-

"Is it prayer?" Someone shouted.

And she hadn't even finished yet!

"Oh yes. It was."

The holy water, which Abberline had bought at a very high price from a rather seedy church goer, was the next to be implemented. He was not entirely sure what the Earl's stance on water splashing was, but it wasn't like he would need to water board the boy. Oh no, that's a different story. He'd just get him a little wet. For that reason he asked the butler to pour the water into a dish.

"Be very careful with that." He added as he handed the man the vase he had brought it in.

"Rest assured I will be." Came the perturbed reply he mistook for humility. In actuality it was truly perturbed.

Unfortunately, the reenactment of The Great Flood, complete with Ciel's servants getting on their hands and knees and making animal noises, and with holy water rain, had no effect on the Earl. He continued to sit there with a crossed expression, half his jacket splattered with the liquid. It wasn't_ that _liquid, but you're free to imagine it was. Just like our little coffee shop.

It was Paula's turn next. She had practiced reciting the holy incantation over and over in her head and had gotten to the point where she could recite it backwards. The only downside to that was that she no longer knew how to recite it forwards.

She instantly started talking, a stream of words came out of her mouth that could only be described as-

"Tower of Babel." Ciel said. Paula frowned. He still had an unamused expression on his face that positively shouted 'I am in cahoots with the devil'. "Now if you'll excuse me." He said, standing up. He made his way to a corridor that was unoccupied, his butler following suit.

When the coast was clear Sebastian said, "My Lord, it would appear that the officer and Lady Elizabeth's maid have come to the conclusion that you have been possessed by a demon."

His lord gave a very funny laugh. "I wonder what gave it away. And we'll have to burn these clothes after the party."

"I'll tell Bard. He'll be most excited."

The rest of the game was not very successful either, which is not to say not at all. Lao and Ran Mao acted out Adam and Eve to a T and the Prince Soma was quite adept in portraying Moses, strangely enough.

During Lizzy's portrayal of some sort of biblical battle, Paula called for the priest. She had come to realize that none of her attempts were working. In fact, it was just making it worse as Ciel's face had turned to one of absolute irritability. She asked him to make haste at once.

At last it was Ciel's turn and Paula volunteered to help him with his skit. It was looking to be a pretty normal act until Paula exclaimed "We love you," as she cried on his shirt. Yes, he was definitely burning it. "And whatever happens we'll always love you."

"Thank you. That means a lot to me." Ciel said. He knew he had broken character. He also knew that nobody else knew he had broken character. He stroked Paula's hair in an effort to comfort her.

"I'm absolutely positive you'll go to heaven and be with your father again." She said and Ciel paused for a moment, as if all the energy had suddenly been drained out of him.

Paula looked into his eye, which was very shocked, but for the first time she saw the hint of an expression that could only have been of a boy very aware of his humanity.

Had she done it? Had it worked? Had she cleansed Lord Phantomhive with her tears alone? Well the real answer was no, she hadn't. But in Paula's mind it was a truly beautiful moment.

"Oh I'm so happy!" She cried more into his shirt. "You're saved."

"Oh I think Ciel's Jesus. Is he?" Lizzy asked. "And Paula's Mary."

"Sure, why not." Abberline sighed. He could tell, from Paula's fits of sobs, that she had somehow performed the exorcism. Somehow. He wasn't even sure at first until the woman had winked at him and then cried some more.

They returned to their seats, Paula still sobbing. "I didn't know you were so talented Paula." Lizzy said to her. "You could be an actress."

"I can't My Lady." Paula sniffed.

"Oh but why not?" The girl got all worked up. "That was a very believable performance. I think mother knows people in theater. She gives the actors fencing lessons. I think you'd make a very good actress."

"No, no My Lady."

"But why?" She pouted.

"Because," Paula hiccuped. "I love serving you My Lady." And then she continued to sob.

"Oh Paula."

"Well, it's been a lovely evening." Abberline said, standing up. "But I really must be going."

"Oh but you can't go." Lizzy pouted. That girl sure could pout. "Just one more game." Then Lizzy gave him _the look_ and all hope was lost.

"Alright." Abberline sat back down and cursed himself for being so weak when it came to women.

"Now let's see," Lizzy rose a finger to her chin, "Who hasn't gone yet? Ah! Sebastian you haven't played one game yet."

The butler, upon hearing his name, turned to her and shook his head. "I really must refuse, My Lady. A servant such as me shouldn't-"

"But Paula played and so has everyone else. Please." And though Sebastian was immune to _the look_ he was not immune to-

"Go on Sebastian. It might be entertaining even." Ciel chuckled and Paula sobbed all the more because she saw how delightfully happy he was. A beautiful smile on his face that not even a devil could mimic.

"Well, if you insist, I was told I play a wicked Judas."

"Idiot. You're not supposed to give it away."

"Oh that's right."

"And don't think we'll skip you just because you did."

"Yes, My Lord." It was then that Sebastian orchestrated a great chorus of pantomimes that could have been the greatest charade ever concocted in Heaven, Hell or on Earth. It was at that moment, somewhere between an interpretive dance number and something that looked like synchronized swimming on dry land that the priest walked in. No one noticed him, nor did they hear him proclaim that they were the most demonically possessed people he had ever witnessed in all his years of faithful servitude and were very much beyond salvation. No one except for a certain butler who was absolutely flattered he thought so, though he could only take credit for one.

Of course Ciel wasn't very impressed with the whole charade. "It's the exile of Satan and his followers from heaven, The Fall, isn't it?"

"My Lord is quite good at this game." Sebastian stopped in mid-motion.

"No such thing," the boy smirked. "You gave it away in your movements. It was almost as if you were there yourself."

After that the evening winded down.

Paula saw Abberline out the door.

"Thank you so much. I don't know how to repay you." She said. "And I had a very fun evening."

As they were away from the prying eye, he almost kissed her, except for the fact that he had a pregnant wife and something told him it wouldn't work out. It really wouldn't have because he was going to die soon anyway.

"I'm just glad it all worked out. Well, goodnight Miss Paula."

"Goodnight Mr- uh... what was your name again?"

He smiled. "Oh, you can just call me whatever you want."

"Well goodnight Mr. Abberline." She turned and walked away to find Lady Elizabeth saying her goodbyes to her freshly-not-exactly-exorcised husband to be.

"Just don't do it again without telling me." He said to her, and Paula guessed it must have concerned the party. For once, Paula guessed right.

"Well, My Lady. Are you ready to go?" She asked.

"Okay. Goodnight Ciel."

"Goodnight."

"And please consider that thing I told you about earlier."

The boy blushed. "Goodnight Lizzy."

As the carriage containing Ms. Middleford and her maid left one phrase was uttered in unison by a perplexed police officer and a bemused earl.

"Women," they both sighed, "I'll never understand them."

_End_

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><p>Thank you for reading. I think the whole idea of this must have come from a captcha.<p> 


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